What do I mean by this? Well, have you ever told a child not to to yell in a crowded public space? Or shouted at one to stop running when they’re already in motion?
The kid might technically hear your whole message but what’s received — what actually registers — is the word for the action you don’t want them to do or to continue.
“Stop running! It’s not safe”
“Don’t yell! You’re scaring the other patrons in the library!”
These example seem specific because they are. I have a five year old and I’ve realized this method of communication doesn’t work well in the moment. We can easily talk through these situations later and arrive at an understanding when I explain why.
But in the moment… it works better to focus on what action I want him to take and communicate that directly.
“Walk please!”
“We have to use inside voices here.”
Note that using language to imply collaboration is a nice touch.
This approach also works better with other adults when correcting something. Rather than going on about what not to do adding to their mental load and why not to do it — try telling them about a more effective strategy to achieve the result they (or you) desire from the task.
This post is not about how one must only focus on the positive and not acknowledge anything negative. That’s such a black-and-white way to look at this metaphor and reality in general. You have to acknowledge what isn’t working to get on a better path but as they say, energy flows where your attention goes. I don’t personally like this saying. It’s gimmicky but the point is clear and it’s a useful way to think about the power of our intentions and attention. Like our own realities, it doesn’t matter if we like it. It still is.
When we constantly focus on what feels deficient in our experience, we sink deeper into a version of our reality (and perhaps ourselves) that is missing something. You’re whole now. Your reality exists. And that may not be a relief if you’re feeling trapped in the “STOP don’t run!” mentality.
You have the power to decide you’re enough now as you are and train your mind to pay more attention to what feels good, authentic, and possible for you. From this place, you get to build what you want. When you have desire and conscious awareness of it, you’re never lost. Reframing what it may feel like you lack as proof of desire can help you realize there is an arrow of will in your hands and you have the capacity to learn how to point and shoot it.
Enough metaphors. This isn’t a life hack. This isn’t a simple trick you have to play on your brain to “fix” your old busted reality. It’s just something to consider as you approach emerging challenges in your life. Because life never seems to stop offering hardships. It also cannot help but create beautiful moments. Experience it all but remember you get to choose where you live.
You get to choose how to collaborate with the yelling child in the library. If you tune it out and do nothing what are the consequences? If you yell back, what happens? If you get down to eye-level and model the behavior you want to see, how much smoother do things go? We all have different realities that are as unique as individual kids. Some tactics work for most but you’ll find others that are especially helpful for yours.
The limitations of human oppression and gravity are real. The volume of your mental noise doesn’t necessarily go lower but you can learn to focus enough to aim. You get to create your reality in the conditions that feel out of your control.
